Gifts--the best

I wonder why I settle for second best when I have available to me the very best...but I often do. I have been given the opportunity to experience and embrace God's total love for me and I often push Him away. I think I do that because I am afraid that if God really knows me, I mean the dark deep areas of my life, He might not like me. He might reject me. So I push Him away. I never realized how I intentionally choose to make mistakes in critical times of life because I am afraid of the intimacy with God. His very best.
I realized that I often settle for second best when it comes to joining God in what He is doing too. I have available to me the best resources but instead I choose something less. I chose to use the best that I have to give. I could use the resources of God Himself. The power that brought back to life Jesus Christ three days after He was laid in the grave. The same power that called the world into existence. I wonder why I rely on myself rather than on God. Do I really think that I am better? Do I think that I can impress God if I do it without Him? What exactly is it? I am crying out for deeper intimacy with God now. I am crying out to deny myself and trust in God completely for all that I need.
Why do we push God away? Why do we rely/trust in ourselves rather the gifts that He has given to us to do what He wants us to do?